The Top 10 Parenting List
Joey and Carla Link
October 10, 2018
If we were to ask you what your “Top 10” priorities in parenting are, what would they be? Would getting your kids to soccer be more important than getting them to read their Bible? Would you be satisfied for them to get their schoolwork done, or do you insist they get it done with a good attitude? Would cleaning their plates at mealtime be on the list or making sure they follow through on what you say? Think about it for a few minutes. What are the “Top 10” parenting priorities on your list? Your spouse’s?
Every parent is faced with a list of their top priorities every minute of every day because how you make the parenting decisions you are faced with each day is based on what these priorities are. It is possible, perhaps even probable that the priorities you would rattle off to us after a few moments of thought have nothing to do with what they in reality look like.
You also need to make sure that it is a goal of yours to work on these priorities instead of letting your children determine what they will be. So, as a quick evaluation, is the tail (your child) wagging the dog or is the dog (you) wagging the tail?
Can you list what your top 10 goals/priorities are for raising your kids? Take a few minutes and jot them down, then think about the following:
- How well are you reaching these goals versus compromising them?
- If you are compromising more than 10% your kids might be more in control than you think they are.
- How often do you allow “context” to interrupt your child’s day so that life often seems chaotic and out of control?
- At the end of the day, how often do you find you didn’t accomplish what you intended to in training your kids?
- When you say “no” to your child does he/she accept it with a good attitude even if it goes against want he/she wants to do?
See if you can get your spouse to tell you what his/her “Top 10” priorities in parenting would be, then merge both your lists into one, because you and your spouse should be working on the same page. Write down ways you can make the “Top 3” stay the “Top 3” by week’s end. Every night, review with your spouse how the two of you did on keeping the “Top 3” on top.
When keeping those 3 on top of the list (in reality) is no longer difficult, work on ways to keep the “Top 5” true priorities and so forth until you are working on your “Top 10”. This is the best way to stay focused on how you want to work on training your kids in Godly character instead of letting those good ideas slide into the big black hole of busyness.
Were you able to come up with your “Top 10” fairly easily? Was it difficult to merge your list with your spouse’s? Why do you think they were so different?
#top10 #harderthanitlooks #stayfocused #charactertraining #biblicalparenting
I am NOT Listening!
Joey and Carla Link
September 26, 2018
What do you do when your kids are not listening to you? Most parents keep repeating themselves, or try somehow to coax them into getting their child/teen to do what they told them to do. Our question for you is why are you talking to a child that is not listening to you or does not want to hear what you are saying?
Most parents think they can talk their kids into paying attention to them through their great oratory skills but it rarely works. The more talking you do the more your child’s mind is traveling somewhere else. If your child finally gives in it is to get you to go away or get off his back. What kind of attitude will he/she have while getting the task done if he was coerced into it?
It doesn’t matter if his wrong attitude is because he is mad, sad, lonely or another reason. It is still a wrong attitude. We find parents all too often correct for the wrong action and remind for the wrong attitude because the task got done and parents are satisfied with that. Do you get away with wrong attitudes at your place of employment? Then it shouldn’t be allowed at home either. Your home is the training ground for your child being a good employee someday.
We learned a long time ago our kids attitude drove their actions (8 years and up), and we needed to focus on their wrong attitude and we would get the right action. We had to continually remind ourselves that two of the four characteristics of obedience we learned about in the Growing Kids God’s Way parenting class have to do with attitude. So why did we and why do most other parents let their kids with wrong/bad attitudes off the hook?
Wrong attitudes show in the looks your kids give you, their body language and in the tone of their voice. You need to learn what your kids’ body language is telling you. Look at the pictures at the top of this blog. The first girl has the Phlegmatic temperament and you can see her attitude on her face, but generally she will stay quiet and stubbornly hang on to her attitude until her parents use a bulldozer to get her to wipe it away.
The second girl has the Melancholy temperament. When confronted with something that upsets her or with something she didn’t do the right way, her perfectionistic spirit has to work it through with her mind which takes time away from others. Melancholies will usually find a place to hide until they work whatever is bothering them through.
The girl in the third picture has the Choleric temperament. You can see attitude written all over her and she doesn’t care that you can. She is not happy and she makes sure you and everyone else knows it. The girl in the final picture has the Sanguine, happy go lucky temperament. When she isn’t happy however, especially if she has done something wrong, she will do something silly (in this picture she is pretending her parents can’t find her) to get her parents to laugh, hoping they will forget what she did. What temperament are each of your children most like?
When your child has a wrong attitude he/she is NOT teachable, so what is the point of trying to get them to see your point of view? Instead of fighting with your child or trying to make him do something against his will, have him sit and do nothing including talk until he wants to apologize to you for his wrong attitude and agrees to have a good one for the privilege of joining the family again. For more teaching on this, check out the Mom’s Notes presentations of “It’s All About Attitude”, “Understanding Freedoms, Part 1” and “Understanding Freedoms, Part 2” (in CD/MP3 & Notes/PDF) and our book “Taming the Lecture Bug and Getting Your Kids to Think”. They can really help you deal with your child’s attitude. All are available in the www.ParentingMadePractical.combookstore.
How is Your Kids TRUE North?
Joey and Carla Link
September 13, 2018
Do your kids really know where they are going? Do they know how to stop and think when the Holy Spirit is prompting them to not do something or do they run through the red light telling them to stop and go no further?
Your kids “True North” is where they need to be going and keep going. “True North” points upward. It gives kids direction and guidance. When kids are headed there it indicates they know right from wrong and are willing to do the right thing even if no one else is doing it. It guides them to where they need to go to get back on the right path when they know they got off it or when they got caught doing something wrong.
So how do kids know where their “True North” is?
- They have to be teachable. To be teachable is to be “able and willing to learn.” To be teachable your kids/teens first have to be willing to admit when they are wrong with a willingness to be told or find out what the right thing to do would be.
It is okay to be wrong as no one is right all the time. But to be wrong and stubbornly refuse to admit it is quite another story. Children with the Melancholy temperament struggle to admit when they are wrong because they are perfectionists and in their mind to do so is to admit failure which is unacceptable to them. Stubbornness is a weakness of the Phlegmatic temperament. They don’t make a fuss about not admitting they are wrong, they just dig their heels in a bucket of cement and don’t move to a new way of thinking.
Kids with the Choleric temperament are going to let you know in no uncertain terms that they are never wrong and that is that. Your Sanguine child doesn’t care if he is wrong and will apologize quickly but when confronted with the same choice will have no reason not to go the wrong way again.
- When kids/teens are headed to their True North, they will be willing to apologize when they offend someone without having to be told to do so. We learned to break it down like this for our kids.
- Your child/teen says he was wrong and says exactly what he did that was wrong.
- Repentance is turning around and going in the opposite direction. Your child needs to say what he needs to do to accomplish that.
- Forgiveness is restoring the relationship with the one they offended by asking for forgiveness. We don’t know why it is so hard to say “Will you forgive me?” but it truly is.
- Restitution/Restoration is giving back what they took away. If your child is 6 yrs. and up he needs to figure out how to do this. You can guide him with questions.
What does this look like? Our son forgot to take out the trash. He goes to his dad and says, “Dad, I’m sorry I didn’t once again get the trash out to the alley for trash pick-up. I know it was wrong and I need to figure out a way to remind myself. Will you forgive me for not choosing to remember to get it done? To make it right I will get it out next week and pay for the tag for the extra can.”
This is what admitting you are wrong looks like.
- If at first you don’t succeed try again. Baseball players are doing great if they have a .500 batting average which doesn’t happen very often. This means they hit the ball 50% of the time, which also means they don’t hit it 50% of the time it is pitched to them. Let’s say a player’s batting average is around .120. This isn’t very good. Does he just throw his hands in the air and give up? No, he works extra time at practice with the batting coach to improve his swing.
When kids/teens are headed to their True North, they don’t give up when they don’t make it on their first try. Along the way to a kid’s True North are his/her Bible, you, church, youth leaders, mentors, and so forth. Anyone who points them towards living like God wants them to qualifies. Our grandson recently called his Papa to pray with him to lead him to Jesus because “his Papa was always telling him about God.” On that very special day Joey was his guide to his True North.
How teachable are your kids? Do they know how to overcome the temptation of sin (doing the wrong thing) when their conscience is poking at them to stop? Are they willing to admit they did something or said something wrong to themselves and others? When professional baseball players strike out, they do it in front of thousands of people. Their failure to get on base is a very public thing. But when they get to the dugout, teammates and coaches are quick to encourage them to keep on trying. You, siblings, grandparents, and friends need to be the encouragers to help your kids/teens try and try again.
Being teachable is one of the greatest character qualities you should work on getting into your kids’ hearts. For if they are not teachable to you as their parents, how will they ever learn to be open, honest and teachable with their future spouse one day?
When Kids are Tearing Down
Joey & Carla Link
August 22, 2018
We enjoy getting together with parents who are seeking help with their kids. We recently had dinner with a couple who have 3 boys who, like most boys are hitting each other and picking on each other, wrestling around until someone gets hurt either physically or emotionally. Like most parents, this mom and dad tried everything they could think of, including giving them physical things to do like running around the outside of the house, push-ups and sit-ups to get their energy out. But a few hours or a day later they ended up doing the same thing again, and again, and again.
The primary issue here is how they use their words with each other, for hurtful, angry words lead to lashing out physically. First I recommended they have a teaching time with the kids using Ephesians 4:29:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
It’s easy to read this verse and think of not using bad language like swearing. But bad language is also when words are used to hurt each other. “…but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” I encouraged the parents to have their boys each read the verse out loud and then have them explain what it means.
- Teach your kids their words leave wounds that do not always heal.These parents talked about the words their boys used that often hurt each other’s feelings. Words can act like a knife and cut into an open wound which really hurts, but boys especially are afraid to show that it does. They stow these words away in their hearts and the wounds do not heal and when they are opened again and again with harsh words eventually the recipient will lash out, his hurt showing in anger.
I recommended they present a fun teaching time by going and getting some straws and peas. When I was a kid we could buy pea shooters where we would put these little peas in our mouths and had extra wide straws and used them to shoot/spit peas through the straw at targets but we ended up shooting at each other. Those little peas could really hurt. I recommended they get some pea shooters and give them to the younger boys and let them shoot at the older one. It’s amazing how much power you can have from 3-4 feet away.
The goal is to demonstrate how much a word or phrase can hurt coming out of someone’s mouth like the peas out of the shooter. Once it is out of a kid’s mouth, the sting is left and the words can’t be taken away. It doesn’t “build others up according to their needs.” I encouraged the parents to point out the words coming out of their mouths need to build a wall of encouragementto those they are speaking to.
- Teach your kids their words need to benefit others. “That it may benefitthose who listen,” is the last part of this verse that is often overlooked. In talking to this family, we discussed with them ways they could get their boys to understand their words needed to “benefit” their brothers. Making sure hurtful or angry words don’t come out of your mouth is one thing. Making sure the words you do choose to say benefitthose you are speaking to is quite another. To benefitsomething is to give them a gift for profit, which is to say “so they gain something.”
To speak words that you know will benefit others, especially your siblings means you have to teach your kids how to think about what they say before they say it. Have them ask themselves, “How is this going to benefit her/him and build them up?”
That is exactly what Hebrews 10:24 means when it says,
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on
toward love and good deeds.”
- Teach your kids that “boyswillcan be boys”.Personally I (Joey) like to play sports and any game can produce a lot of jeering and teasing. Much of it is part of the game and kids need to learn how to handle that as they will have it all their lives. But when it gets personal and out of hand, parents need to teach their kids to be aware when the teasing has gone too far and it’s become malicious instead of fun. Kids should be encouraged to stand up for the wronged person just like Pee Wee Reese did in the movie “42”.
Reese, a white boy from Kentucky who was an outstanding baseball player was on the same team as Jackie Robinson, the first African-American player in baseball. When their team was playing a game in Reese’s hometown and the crowd was jeering Robinson and calling him terrible names, Pee Wee Reese realized how wrong this was and walked over from the shortstop position to first base and put his arm around Jackie Robinson and stood there eyeing the crowd. Soon you could hear a pin drop in the entire ball park. Pee Wee Reese decided he needed to take a stand and though risky in those days, his actions shouted to the large crowd that the color of a man’s skin should not make him ineligible to play the game he was very good at.
Do your kids know when to stop teasing others and when to step in and spur others on to love and good deeds? If not, help them learn this by practicing on their siblings to help them build up the courage to look for ways they could do it with their friends.
- Show your kids how words can both build others up and benefit them as well by the words they hear coming from your mouths.
“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.”
Psalm 19:14 (ESV)