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Love “Pings”

Love “Pings”

Joey and Carla Link

February 12, 2019

 

How do parents explain to their kids what is going on inside them when they start to like a boy or girl of the opposite sex?In the “Dating, Courting & Choosing a Mate, What Works?” teaching we list four “pings” that set apart one particular guy or girl from the rest.

 

The first ping is the “ping” of physical attraction. Surely you all remember how it was when you saw someone of the opposite sex you couldn’t take your eyes off of. While the old saying “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder” is true, it is your job to help your teen realize “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting” as Proverbs 31:30 says and it will not sustain a long-term relationship if this is the only “ping”. The rest of the verse says “but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

 

The second ping is theping” of social attraction. It comes when your teen simply likes being with someone of the opposite sex. They enjoy this person’s sense of humor and/or their intelligence. It’s one thing to be impressed with how someone looks, but it is entirely another to really communicate with each other. Marriages often get in trouble because one spouse’s idea of a stimulating discussion is asking what’s for dinner while the other wants to talk about spiritual or political issues or the like. This spouse’s mate often feels like the other uses his/her intelligence or sarcasm to “lord it over them” and they feel underappreciated and inadequate, this is why this “ping” alone won’t sustain a long-term relationship.

 

The third ping is the “ping” of emotional attraction. They like being with someone who makes them feel good about themselves. They enjoy the compliments they are constantly getting and feel empowered by them. They give their feelings or heart to this person way too fast becoming completely vulnerable to them. The compliments often fade away once the wedding is over so this “ping” alone won’t sustain a long-term relationship.

 

The fourth ping is the “ping” of spiritual attraction. Your teen is attracted to one of the teens on the youth worship team or one in their small group who is always talking about what he/she is learning in their devotions. Being drawn to someone’s spiritual depth and maturity, his/her love for the Lord and how God is the center of their life is hard to ignore. While it is good for a married couple to grow together in their spiritual life, what is most important is the effort you put into your own spiritual growth. This “ping” alone won’t sustain a relationship if it isn’t backed up by the other “pings”.

 

Carla was working with a young gal who was in her senior year of college. She and her boyfriend planned to marry after graduation. Carla talked to her about the idea of these “pings” and after describing them all she went back and asked this young woman to rate how strong each “ping” was for her. The spiritual ping rated very high. When they got to the physical ping, this gal’s response was “all my friends think he is really cute.” Carla was immediately alarmed and realized why. When this girl’s boyfriend would lightly touch her in any way she pushed him away. We knew her boyfriend thought this would change after marriage but Carla was aware it most likely would not. From counseling many married couples with me, she knew this relationship was in deep, deep trouble because no marriage will work unless both spouses are physically attracted to one another, and this couple themselves, were completely unaware.

 

This is why we developed the “Dating, Courting & Choosing a Mate, What Works?” teaching to help equip parents and teens to think through how they can manage a dating relationship with an array of questions and insights to help your young adult find a life partner. We hope you will find it helpful.

 

Mom and Dad, it’s your job to build a relationship of trust with each of your kids as they grow and mature so they will trust you to help them truly get to know someone on a level that leads to wanting to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

 

Please remember, your kids are watching you and your marriage.

They will be looking to copy you or someone else’s marriage they respect.

 

Dating, Courting & Choosing a Mate…What Works? DVD & 2 Workbooks

The Dating Question

The Dating Question

Joey and Carla Link

February 5, 2020

 

It was surprising one day when our son who was in the second grade had a phone call from a girl inviting him to go roller skating with her. We knew there was a couple’s dance during the event where they would hold hands and skate around.We were pretty sure this was her plan in getting him to commit to “going together”. You read that right – second grade. They were 7 years old!
Are you ready for when your child gets asked out on a date or when your son or daughter wants to start dating? We don’t think any Christian parent truly is.
When it comes to dating, do you have guidelines or a plan to work from? Or do you think you will wait and deal with it when the time comes? We have found that most parents have expectations of what their kids will or won’t do when they are on a date, but they have not articulated it to their kids (or themselves) before they get hit up by their kids with the big question, “So, can I go?”
When I (Joey) was a youth pastor, I started working on how to help teens and college kids have confident dating experiences when I saw how frustrated they were in their lack of understanding about the dating experience. I was surprised to find these teens didn’t feel comfortable talking with their parents about dating, even though one day they would want to bring “that special one” home to meet their parents.
All this is why we put together a 2-part video with a 50 page workbook titled “Dating, Courting & Choosing a Mate, What Works?” Filmed before an audience of parents and teens, it’s designed to help both groups get on the same philosophical and practical page of what would work for them in their dating experience.
I remember when our son was interested in a girl that grew up in a strong Christian family who had a very different dating philosophy than we did. It was challenging to work through the different viewpoints to get to agreeable standards that would work for both families. While in this process, our son decided the differences were too great and the dating relationship ended soon after.
We have heard from many families over the years how this 2 part video series helped them think through both courting and dating in a whole new way. Many have said they were thankful to see the differences in the differing standards families could have and how confusing it can be to see that since the Bible doesn’t have a lot to say about dating itself, there is no right or wrong philosophy. These families have told us this resource helped them find their own dating philosophy that would work for their families.
One Dad wrote us the following note after going through the session because his ten daughters were being asked out.
“My wife and I were having trouble figuring out how to give our kids an overall picture of dating. Joey and Carla gave us a grounded, logical approach that goes way beyond just teaching them the importance of remaining pure. “Dating, Courting & Choosing a Mate, What Works?” shares 4 levels of getting to know the opposite sex and how your teens can determine what each level should look like in the relationship they are in, looking to us for guidance along the way. My wife and I appreciate understanding how we and our teens can work together to make wise decisions regarding who their life-mate will be.”
Whether you use this teaching or not, we hope you will get prepared with a blueprint for the framework you want to use when your kids get to be teenagers. You will want to be ready to help them learn how to go through the process of finding a life mate that will help them live for Christ and bring glory to God through both their dating and marriage relationship. The day will come when they come to you and say “So, can I go?”

 

Dating, Courting & Choosing a Mate…What Works? DVD & 2 Workbooks

Honest Mistakes

Honest Mistakes

By Joey & Carla Link

January 29, 2020
I (Joey) was intrigued when I read a story about Lee Ann Walker a professional woman’s golfer. While playing in a tournament in 2019 after taking 8 years off from the sport, she learned she didn’t know about a rule change that said hercaddie could no longer line up her shot, which she had been allowing him to do. When another golfer told her about the rule change half way through the tournament, she on her own initiative went to the tournament directors to tell them what she had done and to ask them how to right the wrong.
Lee Ann made an honest mistake. What is that? An “honest mistake”is “a mistake made unintentionally or unknowingly and without the intention of causing harm; a mistake that anyone might have made in similar circumstances.” If your kids were confronted with an issue they didn’t know they were doing wrong, would they on their own initiative try to make it right? If there was a consequence, would they take it graciously?
How to help a child own his mistakes:
  1. Children need to climb over their feelings of failure and realize everyone makes mistakes. This can be especially hard for a child with the melancholy temperament.
  2. When a child makes a mistake, he/she needs to own it to clear his guilty conscience, apologize to get rid of it and to make the offense right with the person he offended.
  3. The question to ask a child is “What is stopping you from owning up to the fact you made a mistake?” Is it pride, selfishness?
  4. Help them realize it’s their choice to apologize quickly for a simple mistake or as a consequence for not being willing to do the right thing, to miss out on fun the family has planned.

One of the hardest things to teach kids is to take ownership of something they did that has caused a mess or an offense with another when they don’t think they have done anything wrong. We used to tell our son when dealing with one of his sisters, “You said something that hurt her feelings. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t intend to, it doesn’t matter if you think she should toughen up. What matters is she is sitting in her room crying. What do you think you should do about that?”

Kids (8 years and above) need to learn to see themselves honestly, as others see them. Do you have a child who is mean-spirited, rude or obnoxious to his siblings but kind and gracious to others? When we dealt with this with our kids they lost the freedom of being with their friends until they could show us they could be kind to their siblings.
If kids don’t learn to see themselves through an honest lens of reality, they will grow up to be prideful, arrogant adults.
By the way, Lee Ann Walker, the professional golfer we talked about in the beginning of this blog received 58 penalty strokes for all the times she hit the ball her caddie had lined up for her. That is the most any professional golfer has ever received in a major tournament! Her response?
“I wasn’t mad; I wasn’t upset,” said Walker. “Setting the record for the most penalty points ever isn’t exactly the record you want in golf, but at that point what can you do? Obviously, it’s my fault for not knowing the rule changes before I entered the tournament.”
There are consequences to breaking rules whether you know you are breaking them or not. They help us learn the right thing to do and remember not to do it again. We doubt Lee Ann will ever enter a tournament without checking the rule book again. What do you think?
“Learn to do good, seek justice, fight oppression.”
Isaiah 1:17

Creatively Disobedient Kids

Creatively Disobedient Kids

By Joey & Carla Link

January 22, 2020
It’s always interesting to see how creative kids can get when they don’t want to obey. In last week’s blog we told the storyabout our daughter when Carla called her name 3 different times and on the 3rd time she ran to Carla saying, “I didn’t hear you the first 2 times you called.” Kids think they can be like an ostrich by putting their head in the sand and ignore the fact that they heard their name called or that you asked them to clean their room.
You tell your daughter to clean her room. When you go to check on her you see she has been playing with something that caught her eye and when you ask why the room is not clean she says the 2 magic words “I forgot!” Most parents assume their kids did forget and the child chalks that up to a win for her because she knew exactly what her mom wanted her to do.
Right up there with “I forgot”, the other popular excuse children make is “I don’t remember.” Please don’t think for a second they didn’t remember or they forgot you told them to clean their room. They remember, they just don’t want to get in trouble when you see it isn’t done.
When I (Carla) went to check on one of our daughters when I had told her to clean her room, I found her playing on the floor with her dolls. She told me she was dressing them for church! While your kids will continue to come up with creative excuses, we trust you will not be taken in by them.
Your concern should be whether your child obeyed you as Colossians 3:20 says, “Children, obey your parents in everything.” “Everything” does not leave any room for excuses or loopholes. It means they must follow through with what you told them to do to be obedient. How do you get a child to obey? We have great resources listed at the end of this blog that will help you with that.
But why should a child obey their parents? The last part of Colossians 3:20 says, “because this pleases the Lord.” Getting kids to obey parents is the first priority while they are growing up. But as they grow and mature they will transition to start obeying their Heavenly Father as they first learned to obey you.
God gave each of your kids to you because of how God created you! God made you a specific way and equipped you by taking you through life’s trials and triumphs to prepare you to train up these children in the way they need to go so they will be able to do what He created them to do. If you don’t require your kids to obey you in reality you are training them not to obey God!
We want to urge you to require your kids to obey you and other people in positions of authority in their lives with good attitudes. We don’t think if we do something we know God wants us to do with a surly attitude He considers that obedience, do you?
“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:7

Why Can’t I Get My Kids to Behave? by Joey and Carla Link
Parents get frustrated when they don’t know what to do when their kids misbehave. This book shares solutions for putting biblical principles into practice with kids. It tells what obedience is, what obedience is not, how to get your kids to obey, what tools need to be in your parenting toolbox and which ones already in there you need to throw away. It also offers help for single parents.
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  • Audio download MP3 or CD read by Joey & Carla Link $19.95/$8.95 On Sale $6.95


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Taming the Lecture Bug and Getting Your Kids to Think, Navigating the Rapids of Parenting DVD, Taming the Lecture Bug DVD, “Dating, Courting, and Choosing a Mate…What Works?”!  (2 books and 3 DVDs)
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Obedient Kids

Obedient Kids

By Joey & Carla Link

January 15, 2020
During the holidays it’s normal for parents to let down their guard and for kids to take unearned freedoms, becoming less obedient each day. They are spoiled by grandparents and all the love they give them, then showered with presents. They stay up later than usual night after night and eat more sugar than they get in their normal diet. Before you know it they start toredefine what is right and wrong behavior. Parents usually are not aware of this in the midst of busyness and enjoying the holiday themselves until their kids’ behavior blows up in their faces.
The best way to bring kids back under control is similar to what many people do on New Year’s Day. They set goals for themselves and resolve to get back on track with the ones they have stopped working on. One of the best parenting goals is in Colossians 3:20, “Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord.” God didn’t suggest we do this; it is a direct command that children are not only to obey their parents but to obey them in everything they do!
How can parents do this? Pull your kids back into their funnel. What we mean by this is to remind them of their boundaries and watch for them to start staying within them again. Require them to say “Yes Mom” or “Yes Dad” every single time you call their name. If you have fallen into the habit of calling their name and giving an instruction without waiting for them to verbally respond and come to you first, please work on “call and wait”. Call their name and stop and wait for the child to say “Yes Mom, I’m coming!” When they get there, praise them for coming (if they did so with a good attitude) and give them your instruction.
Why is calling your child’s name and waiting for his/her response so important? I remember when Carla called our daughter Briana one day in a loud enough voice Carla knew Briana heard her. Briana didn’t respond, so Carla called her a second time much louder so the whole house could hear. Still Briana did not respond. Finally, in frustration, Carla went to the bottom of the stairs and called Briana’s name in a loud, very firm voce so she knew she could hear her. Briana came running saying, “Yes Mom, I didn’t hear you the first two times you called!” Make sure they can hear you when you call and unlike Carla, if they don’t come, don’t keep calling them. Go to them and deal with their lack of obedience. Just think how many times they overhear your conversations from the other room when you don’t want them to. They can hear you when you call their name.
I remember when our oldest son consistently didn’t respond when we called his name so we took him to the doctor for a hearing test. The doctor came back and said our son had “perfect selective hearing”! That was the end of that and we required him to come every time we called his name and if he didn’t he got a consequence.
Is this new information for you? If so, the Mom’s Notes presentation “Understanding First Time Obedience” (on MP3/CD and PDF/Notes) shares what this teaching looks like with different age kids. The first three chapters in our book, “Why Can’t I Get My Kids to Behave?”(which is also on audio MP3) talks about obedience training. Both are available at Parenting Made Practical.
What can parents do if their kids don’t come at the call of their name? Have a place for them to sit so they can think about why they didn’t obey you. When they are ready to apologize to you for not obeying you (ages 6 and up) they can do that and then you should give them a consequence. For little ones 5 years and under, have them sit and fold their hands (no talking) and when you can see they have calmed down ask them if they are ready to apologize.
Again, there is a lot more information on this in the Mom’s Notespresentation, “Understanding First-Time Obedience” and our book, Why Can’t I Get My Kids to Behave?
“Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”
Ephesians 6:1