Halle Nightingale
May 28, 2025
My mom and I have a great relationship now that I’m in my 20s, but it wasn’t always smooth sailing. My middle-years transition was rough and the high school years weren’t exactly dreamy either. I remember reading Proverbs 29:15 in middle school and thinking, “That’s me. I’m the child that brings shame to my mom.”
“The rod and reproof give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 29:15
So how did our relationship change? My parents raised me with the guidance of the parenting class Growing Kids God’s Way. They were constantly challenging and encouraging me to live a godly life- to obey, to be responsible, to work hard, to be considerate of others. These lessons took time to learn. When I was in middle school and high school, my parents weren’t supposed to be my friends, they were supposed to be guiding me in the things I needed to know before I left home, so they were giving me more freedom and let me learn from my mistakes, yet still stepped in with their authority when I needed it.
Here are things that my mom, especially, did during those difficult years that paved the way for us to have a beautiful friendship now.
She knew my love language and spoke it to me often. My love language is personal touch and closeness. Every school morning, we would snuggle on the couch and watch the news and weather together. We would only be in front of the TV for 10 to 15 minutes, but it was a regular reminder that I was loved.
She invested in my spiritual walk. I did not appreciate this growing up, but I do now. My mom would give my sisters and I weekly assignments in character and Bible study using materials from Pam Forster. We still enjoy her Bible studies, although I now have the freedom to go at my own, much slower, pace.
She reinforced our family identity. Our family identity is rooted in excellence. I knew this from a very early age. If our last name was attached to something, it would be done well. This could have turned into perfectionism and harsh standards, but my mom found a good balance. She told me once when I was complaining about summer training for a fall sport, that I did not have to participate in the sport. But if I chose to participate, I would need to do my best.
She supported me in my hobbies and interests. My parents made it a priority to support my sisters and I by attending concerts, academic awards, and sports events. I used to joke that my mom was everybody’s “track mom” because she’d be out in the middle of the field, in the rain, with a huge umbrella and a bunch of us huddled around her.
She would regularly ask me about my day at school. When my mom would pick my sisters and I up from school, each of us had the opportunity to share about our day. Sometimes, this would devolve into us venting and complaining. We were allowed to share the good and bad but if the majority of what we shared was negative, my mom would gently ask us to share 3 good things that happened to us that day. This kept the line of communication open between us. It gave me the freedom to go to her in private as I shared my middle school crushes, friend drama, and loneliness with her. We didn’t have a heart-to-heart every day or even every week. But when I needed to share something deep or vulnerable, I knew I could turn to my mom.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old
he will not depart from it “
Proverbs 22:6
Legalism vs. Permissiveness – Where’s the Balance?
When balancing legalistic or permissive tendencies in your parenting it is hard not to have blind spots. Everyone tends to lean one way or the other. Since opposites do attract, it is likely your spouse leans one way and you lean the other. This can create tension in the marriage relationship when you think your spouse is too hard on the kids and he/she thinks you are too soft. There is always a middle ground, and it is called “balance”.
This Mom’s Notes looks at the characteristics of the legalistic and permissive parent and discusses ways that you can bring balance to your parenting.
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#7 – How to Get Your Kids to Grow Spiritually
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