Beth Blunk
June 12, 2024
Last fall, my husband Ed and I replaced our garage floor, prompted by some bigger concerns that the garage foundation wall had moved. What we found was when the house was originally built, that part of the foundation had apparently not been constructed by today’s standards. No wonder it was cracking, twisting and moving as the soil around it dried out.
Over time our marriages can show similar cracks in the foundation due to stress and neglect. Whether you are married 2 years or 40 years, it is important for the health and the strength of your family to make some intentional investments in the foundation of your marriage.
Scripture tells us that when God created man and woman, He judged it “very good!” (Genesis 1:27, 31) That family did not yet have children. Do you remember the friendship that you and your husband had before your kids came? What are you doing now to nurture and grow that friendship? Children are welcome gifts to your family. One day it will be just the two of you again. Ecclesiastes 4:9 speaks to the gift that marriage is. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.” So, what can we do to keep the foundation of our friendship and marriage a priority? In our marriage, we talk about having a 1-1-1-1 Plan. It is a framework that has guided our relationship and helped us get back on track when we get bumped off course by life’s circumstances.
The first “1” encourages daily connection with your spouse. It might be a phone call or text message to say, “I’m thinking about you” or holding hands as you walk somewhere.
Hugging for 30 seconds before you leave home or when you return is also a positive connection. Couch Time – 10 minutes where the two of you are talking while the children are present, but don’t have the freedom to interrupt. It is a short time to talk about what is going on in your lives and how you feel about it. Both spouses share, and you get a picture into your spouse’s life.
You want to maintain ”US”, meaning the two of you in the context of your family, because you still want to be friends when your children leave home, like ours have. Couch Time might look like a young family who sent me a picture of one of their children having pack-n-play time. In the same picture frame, the child who was 13 months older was having blanket time. Around the corner, Mom and Dad were enjoying a coffee date at the kitchen table before Dad left for work. The kids knew mom and dad were talking and they could not interrupt until the timer went off. In another family, mom and dad would have couch time after dinner and leave the children at the table each with a different activity to do while they were strapped into their booster seat or high chair or sitting on a chair. And at that point mom and dad had time to connect for 10-15 minutes before family time or starting the bedtime routine. Our “go-to” Couch Time conversations starter are “What are three things that happened in your day” and “What brought you joy today?”
The second “1” in our marriage plan is a once-a-week date. Mark 4:9 exhorts us, “What God has joined together, let man not separate.” “Man” can be your kids, so this verse is telling us we should not let our kids separate us from one another. To have one night a week where you can spend a few hours just the two of you, with no demands from kids, household chores or fix-it projects. We’ve discovered that if it is not on our calendars, the date gets crowded out by the urgent. We can reschedule if something comes up, but we treat it as a nom-negotiable commitment.
Get a babysitter or have a family member like grandparents stay with your children.
Trade childcare with another family. One week you and your spouse get a date, and next week they get a date while you watch all the kids. If you can’t find a sitter, put your kids to bed early, put your phones and computers away, and plan something you can do at home. If you are too tired, then plan to take a power nap for 20 minutes earlier in the day.
You still need a date even when the kids are gone! It says, “I still choose you!”
Dates reinforce that Mom and Dad were friends before children were added. Having a time to step out of your “Mom/Dad” hats and get to be husband and wife again is good for your relationship. And it is good for your children to see that your marriage is important. Why? Because when your marriage is stable, and love is demonstrated, then your children feel secure. This goes for young children all the way up to your teens. You are modeling what good marriages look like and chances are your kids will model your example when they get married. Don’t underestimate what they are learning from you.
There are four “1’s” in this marriage plan, and we will cover the next two next week. You have a lot of kid time in the summer but we want to encourage you to not put your marriage on the back burner. Why not plan a Date Night this week?
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together,
let no one separate.”
Matthew 19:6
Ed and Beth Blunk live in the greater Kansas City, MO area. They have had the privilege to coach and encourage parents locally using the Growing Families and Mom’s Notes materials since 1998. Their 6 grown children are now raising their soon to be 16 grandchildren, ages 10 and under. Their empty nest is filled with traveling to spend time with their children and grandchildren, ministry, bike riding and walks to enjoy nature.
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