CarrieAnne Langdon
June 25, 2025
It can be overwhelming to have to make a lot of choices for anyone, much less for little ones who can’t make them for themselves. Do you realize how many times a day you offer your kids choices? What cereal do you want this morning? Do you want to wear the red top or the blue one? Sandals or closed-toe shoes? Coat or sweatshirt? McDonald’s or Chick-fil-a? Hamburger or chicken nuggets?
Does offering your child a choice bring peace or conflict in your home? What parent isn’t frustrated when the child who picked the blue shirt decides on the way out the door to school she wants to wear the red one instead and throws a fit when you tell her to get in the car. When a child seems indecisive or discontent with any of their options, most likely they are just not ready, either in that moment or mature-wise to have the freedom to choose. Kids under 6 yrs. need you to make the decision for them instead of offering them a lot of choices.
How and what type of choices should you allow your child to make? It totally depends on their age and if they are good decision-makers. If they take forever to make a decision then can’t decide if they made the right one (kids with the Melancholy temperament), parents won’t want to give them a lot of choices because they don’t have time to wait until they finally make up their mind. If they quickly make a decision and stick to it (those with the Choleric temperament), that’s different. If your child tells you he/she doesn’t care and is content for you to decide he could have the Phlegmatic temperament and you will probably have to force him to make choices as he will let you make them for him until he leaves for college. Kids with the Sanguine temperament don’t stay focused long enough to make a decision much less stick to it.
If your child can accept the “no” from mom or dad without complaining (fussing, crying, arguing, whining.), then they may be ready to make an age-appropriate choice. Parents can help minimize frustrations in their child (and for themselves) by keeping the choices or decisions their child is making within a range that is acceptable to you.
For example: Instead of asking a 2-year-old whether he/she would like ketchup with his chicken nuggets, just get some in the packets that fast-food places offer. Instead of asking your 5-year-old what he wants to wear that day, try laying 2 outfits on his bed and say, “Which outfit do you want to wear today?” or lay an outfit on his bed so he doesn’t have to make a choice, you decided for him.
When a child cannot be content with a choice made by mom or dad, whom they are to obey, they are not ready to be in charge of making choices and need to lose that freedom for a while. Remember, it is your job to help them learn how to obey in a happy way, not just be happy when they get their own way.
When there isn’t a choice, like when it’s cold outside and your child needs to wear a jacket, parents can help by just making the announcement, “It is time to put on your coat.” Asking your child if he/she is ready to put on his coat makes him think that it is his choice to decide to wear one or not, even if the temperature is freezing. It can be very frustrating when a child thinks he has a choice when he doesn’t have that freedom at all.
Allowing your older child to work through decision making even when you may know the obvious answer helps them to learn how to make wise choices and feel a sense of independence. Help them learn how to make wise choices by asking them questions. Their answers to your questions should make the best decision/choice obvious to them.
Ultimately, we are each called to honor and obey the Lord. We do this one choice or decision at a time! May the Lord bless you with the wisdom to know when and how to offer the choice to your child to make.
“For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.”
Proverbs 2:11-12
What’s a funnel got to do with parenting? Let’s say your 5 yr. old child is supposed to make his/her bed and put his pj’s away before coming down to breakfast in the morning. You’ve reminded him for a few weeks, given consequences when it wasn’t done but he still doesn’t do it consistently. You wonder if you are asking too much of him. Your friend’s 5 yr. old does it regularly, so why can’t your child? Their child chooses to remember to do it and your child is choosing not to. Think of it like a funnel. The behaviors that belong inside your child’s funnel are the ones he is either not mature enough to handle so you would make these choices for him, or are ones he is mature enough to handle but chooses not to and needs boundaries to keep him in check. What boundary would work for this? Require your child to tell you he has made his bed and put his pj’s away before he sits down to eat and you need to go check his room to see that he did.
This presentation gives a thorough understanding of the concept of the funnel, including guidelines for getting your child back into his ‘funnel’, evaluating how to deal with freedoms and choices, and how to correct for ‘funnel issues’.
Parents are the primary trainer in their kids’ lives. A “trainer” has many roles, including the parent as the “Leader/Director”, “Bender/Pruner”, “Instructor/Teacher”, and as the “Former of Habits”. Some of these are obvious, while others are not. This Mom’s Notes helps parents get a clear grasp on these roles and explains ways to accomplish them.
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